I didn't know...

I didn't have any idea what I was going to write about this time because, I wasn't sure if I was really going to be able to share the details of the things that I've been going through lately and the truth is I'm not able to and the DETAILS really aren't what's important anyways. What is important is the lesson.

I see this life like a workbook full of chapters and God works a little backwards to me by testing first then teaching and not the other way around. It's a wonderful way to learn because it also teaches you to accept that you're going to mess up. If you didn't what really is the point in grace?

His grace is enough It's plenty for whatever you gotta do or whatever your learning style, you are no suprise to Him. People get into the big messes when the test is flunked over and over on purpose or even accepting a zero on the thing without trying to recieve instruction. Be open and let Him work in your life and according to your life specifically. He already loves who you are. Reminds me of the children of Israel and how they kept going around and around a mountain 40 years which really was only an 11 day journey. (Revelation: we are the children of Israel). His grace is sufficient.

As for my personal thing, I realized a long time ago that for some people God lets them have lots of friends to work things out with and to talk to about life's little events. Some people have sponsors or family members or therapists that they get to talk to. I just remember asking God to give me somebody, anybody to bounce things off of like that, but they never came. Actually in retrospect, maybe they did come but it seemed that for some reason or another they'd be gone and I'd just be left still by myself. I never was a loner. I threw the biggest parties and was always surrounded by people throughout my life. It took me quite a long time to learn to adjust to being alone to realize that even though it was breaking my heart, He had something important to teach me.

Looking back, I swear, I'd go through it again for the lesson that I got out of it. I wasn't very good at choosing people for my own life. I believe that He wanted to be my sponsor, counselor, therapist, family member, friend, Daddy. I believe that He wanted to teach me to go to Him with my issues. He taught me to call him like a sponsor or friend daily with every little thing. He loved on me like the father I never had. He taught me love that most other people grew up knowing but I actually had to learn how to love and be loved, the right way.
Now, He is the lifter of mine head. "I'm still learning Father to trust you, and I'll keep coming to You."

I realize that I have a history of completely choosing all of the wrong people for myself, so only now do I see the favor that He was doing me. It was just really a quiet and lonely kind of thing in the beginning to get got used to not having alot of people around. It taught me that I actually like to be alone and I need to be (alot) and that I was missing Him and wasn't hearing His voice because of all of the other noise in my life. It taught me that I don't have to go to Him as a last resort. So many people pray as a last resort. I learned to go when it was embarrasing, humiliating, shameful, sad and all of the really hard times to go. I learned to go. I would go and I still go and I face Him on that mighty throne of grace that He sits on and I go boldly. He loves me. He loves you. I'm learning that I don't have to be afraid of Him, (its the rest that's scary).

I recently went to Him during something really really hard and the saddest thing is that part of it was His will for my life but the rest...I just made hard because I thought that it had to be, that it should be. I thought there is no way to go through something like this and it be easy so I made it hard and I made some messes just for good measure. I realize now that's not what He wanted for me or how He wanted me to go about things, but He knew I would.
He is currently helping me clean up and not even shaking His head.

My prayer in the end was, "tell me what You want me to know Lord, talk to me through this/about this, what do You Father God, have to say and He said to me, " I still have a plan for you, the same plan that I already told you about a long time ago. I still love you, I forgive you, you are still the one that I have called to do what I need done" Isaiah 6. He gave me Isaiah six and a song. Here's the song, cry if you want to, I did. Love. WEndy >;<.....

Sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to You to hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through this version of myself I try to hide behind I'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified and sometimes I'm so thankful for Your loyalty Your love regardless of the mistakes I make will spoil me my confidence in a sense, a gift You've given me and i'm satisfied to realize You're all I'll ever need You looked into my life and never stopped and You're thinking all my thoughts are so simple but so beautiful and You recite my words right back to me before I even speak You let me know, i am understood and sometimes I spend my time just trying to escape I work so hard, so desperately, in an attempt to create space cause I want distance from the utmost important thing I know I see Your love, then turn my back, and beg for You to go You looked into my life and never stopped and You're thinking all my thoughts are so simple but so beautiful and You recite my words right back to me before i even speak You let me know, I am understood You're the only one who understands completely You're the Only One who knows me yet still loves completely and sometimes the place I'm at is at a loss for words if I think of something worthy, I know that it's already Yours and through the times I've faded and You've outlined me again You've just patiently waited to bring me back and then You looked into my life and never stopped and You're thinking all my thoughts are so simple but so beautiful and You recite my words right back to me before i even speak You let me know, I am understood the noise has broken my defence let me embrace salvation Your voice has broken my defence let me embrace salvation Your voice has broken my defence let me embrace salvation Your voice has broken my defence let me embrace salvation Your voice has broken my defence let me embrace salvation Your voice has broken my defence let me embrace salvation Your voice has broken my defence let me embrace salvation let me embrace, let me embrace salvation....." I am understood, Reliant K

God is so good. His thoughts are not yours.